


am i allowed to look at her like that?

by rxginamills



Category: Friends (TV)
Genre: "i'm happy for you" "you've never been good at lying to me", Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Inspired By Tumblr, LGBTQ Character, One-Sided Attraction, Tumblr Prompt, Unrequited Love, Weddings, even tho my heart hurts in this fic, monica and rachel are soulmates, ok so this might be a lil shitty but i don't care i love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-17 06:23:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17555048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rxginamills/pseuds/rxginamills
Summary: Rachel would surely be beautiful, she'd be the most beautiful bride in the world, or at least all of America, and Monica's heart would break.





	am i allowed to look at her like that?

Monica could practically feel her ribcage close around her heart and clench it tightly as she stepped inside the chapel.

It was a beautiful day, an especially beautiful day to get married and begin the rest of forever with the one you loved.

The florist hurried past Monica with two girls following on her trail with large bouquets of tulips in their arms. The wedding planner passed her briefly, and she smiled at Monica to greet her before she, too, went her own way. Monica shook her head and couldn't hold back a smile, because of course her brother would go all out when it came to his wedding; his last, most perfect, most special wedding ever. 

His wedding with Rachel.

Monica, being one of the two maids of honour, slipped away from the lobby to find the bride. She had prepared herself for this for months but she still felt unsure, nervous and afraid. Rachel would surely be beautiful, she'd be the most beautiful bride in the world, or at least all of America, and Monica's heart would break.

She knocked on the wooden door. Phoebe's cheerful voice answered her almost instantly, "Come in!"

Monica stepped inside and closed the door behind her with a gentle click. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight in the room. 

Rachel stood there in a white off-the-shoulder gown. It was very simple but gorgeous, quite like Rachel herself, and puffy like a cloud. The ball-gown style skirt might as well have been from the English royalty. The most beautiful thing about Rachel, however, was the way she was glowing. Not only was her makeup shimmering in the pale light but her smile illuminated the world. 

Monica put a hand on her mouth, feeling emotional. Rachel squealed and came forward to hug her best friend.

"Oh, hi honey! I'm so happy you're here!" she exclaimed. As soon as their arms touched, a comforting warmth spread across Monica's body. She squeezed Rachel a little tighter before letting go.

"Wow, Rach, you look beautiful." she breathed.

"You think?" Rachel did a twirl, "You don't think it's too plain or anything? What if Ross won't like it?"

"Relax, Rachel. You're gorgeous, and Ross would marry you even if your outfit for the occasion was a plastic bag." said Phoebe and rubbed Rachel's shoulder. The bride took a deep breath.

"Okay. Okay, thanks, Pheebs. I'm just so _nervous_!"

Monica took her hand, "It's gonna be fine, sweetie. You look like an angel and when today's over you'll be my sister-in-law."

Rachel flashed Monica a smile. Monica's whole chest felt heavy at her words, because it felt like she carved the truth in stone where it could not be changed: sisters was everything she and Rachel would ever be.

 

* * *

 

 _Could it be wrong, when she's just so nice to look at?_  
  
_She smells like lemongrass and sleep_  
_She tastes like apple juice and peach_  
_You would find her in a polaroid picture_  
_And she means everything to me_

 

* * *

 

Monica walked down the aisle first, catching her parents' eyes as she went. Ross grinned at her as he stood at the other end, anxiously waiting to see his bride. Monica stepped aside to watch Phoebe’s entrance into the room. Soon the blonde was already standing next to her. 

The guests smiled widely as the next person made their way down the aisle, and Monica’s heart melted just a little in its cold cage.

It was her niece, five-year-old Emma Geller-Green who was every bit as beautiful as her mother with many characteristics from her father. Monica loved the girl to bits, and she looked adorable as she threw around pink flower petals, but the sight also cracked something inside her. Emma was Ross and Rachel’s child together, she was proof that they were in love, that they had _made_ love and had a family now. Monica couldn't imagine her life without the little girl, but Rachel had been unreachable to her from the moment of her birth, unreachable in the way she wanted her.

Emma made her way to Phoebe, who had the responsibility of looking after the child during the wedding ceremony. Then it was Rachel’s turn.

She looked and walked like a princess on her father’s arm and Monica swore that for a moment Ross’ jaw appeared to be glued on the floor. Rachel gazed at her husband-to-be with glossy eyes, because she had never loved him as much as she did in that moment. 

Rachel arrived at Ross’ side and kissed her father’s cheek before the guests sat down in their seats. The minister began to speak and Monica took the moment to examine the crowd of people in the room.

In the first row sat her and Rachel’s parents with Susan, Carol and Ben right next to them. Joey, Mike and Chandler were standing by Ross' side as his groomsmen. The sight of them looking so dashing and happy lifted her mood ever so slightly.

Everyone listened patiently as the minister spoke, asking if anyone had a reason that the engaged couple should not be wed. Monica could see it vividly; she saw herself leaping from her place and yelling from the top of her lungs that her best friend and her brother should not be married because Rachel was standing there with the wrong Geller, and it should be Monica in Ross' place because not once had she left Rachel's side even when he had. 

Phoebe touched Monica's arm, jolting her out of her little bubble of thoughts. She looked concerned.

"Are you okay?" she whispered, "You spaced out."

"Yeah, I'm fine." Monica looked back to Rachel. 

"Are you sure?" Phoebe asked. Monica swallowed a little.

"Not really."

 

* * *

 

 _I'd never tell_  
_No, I'd never say a word_  
_And oh it aches_  
_But it feels oddly good to hurt_

 _She smells like lemongrass and sleep_  
_She tastes like apple juice and peach_  
_You would find her in a polaroid picture_  
_And she means everything to me_

 

* * *

  

Ross and Rachel became husband and wife. Their eyes were locked together as they shared their first dance as a married couple and then moved on to dance with their parents. 

Monica stood by the drinks table with a glass of champagne in her hand and watched the woman she loved dance gleefully with her own father and afterwards Monica’s. The ceremony was beautiful and the reception even more so and the decorations that Ross had chosen with the help of the wedding planner were stunning. It couldn’t have been a more perfect wedding.

Ross and Rachel were in each other’s arms again and Ross pulled the new Mrs. Geller-Green into a kiss. Monica took a long sip of her champagne.

”Hey,” a soft voice called. Monica looked up from her drink and smiled a little.

”Hi.”

Carol stood there with a champagne glass of her own. She looked radiant like always.

”How are you feeling? Are you doing okay?” she asked. Monica sighed.

”I don’t know.” her voice shook a little. 

”Oh, honey,” Carol set down her glass and hugged Monica, ”Listen, I know it sucks, but life doesn’t always work out the way you want it to. Rachel and Ross are happy together and they’ve earned it, don’t you think?”

”Of course I do,” Monica said as she pulled back from the hug, feeling conflicted about everything, ”I just don’t understand why I had to fall in love with my best friend, out of all people! It feels like the universe is laughing in my face because nothing could’ve ever happened between me and Rachel.” 

”Monica...” Carol breathed sadly. Monica snuffled quietly, trying not to break into tears - it was her brother’s wedding day after all.

”It’s just - ” she took a deep breath, ”Nobody told me that it would be so hard.” 

Carol rubbed her arm comfortingly. Then suddenly Susan appeared behind her wife, kissing her cheek multiple times.

”Hey you.” Carol instantly melted into her wife’s little kisses.

”Heeey,” Susan said, ”I wanna dance with you.”

”Honey, I’d love to, but...” Carol looked back to Monica.

”Oh, it’s fine!” Monica exclaimed, ”Go, go!”

”Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Susan asked, ”We can stay here and chat with you if you’d like.”

”No, I’m fine, seriously. You two go have fun. I’ll be okay. I promise.” 

”Hang in there, sweets.” Carol said quickly. Susan dragged her out on the dance floor. Monica looked longingly at the sweet couple; she so desperately wanted what they had, wanted that love and the kind of family that they had with Ben. It was impossible not to smile when she looked at Carol and Susan. Their love was infectious.

 

* * *

 

 _And I'll be okay_  
_Admiring from afar_  
_Cause even when she's next to me_  
_We could not be more far apart_  
_Cause she tastes like birthday cake and story time and fall_  
_But to her_  
_I taste of nothing at all_

 

* * *

 

Monica ignored her thumping heart and leapt across the dance floor to drag Rachel into a more secluded place, away from the mayhem of the party. The bride glided on her feet like a petite fairy, her mind clouded with the great amount of happiness she was experiencing. 

Monica pulled Rachel outside into the yard and towards a wooden swing hanging from a large oak tree. The reception venue was ethereal and Rachel had done a great job in picking it. She squealed excitedly when she saw the swing and sat down. Monica occupied the spot next to her. 

"So… How are you feeling, Mrs. Geller-Green?" she asked, feeling a tingle every time her arm brushed Rachel's. The bride laughed joyously.

"Oh, Monica, I can't tell you how _amazing_ I feel! I'm married! I'm married to the love of my life!" 

Monica looked at the ground, pushing herself and Rachel in the swing with the help of her feet. The white gown was splayed everywhere around Rachel like a blanket of snow, which somehow still amplified her beauty. Rachel frowned as Monica stayed silent.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?" she asked, "I've missed you on the dance floor."

Monica chuckled, "I'm good, don't worry. I - I guess I'm just a little emotional about today."

Neither of them spoke a word. Rachel kept gazing at Monica, unknowingly making her more nervous by the second. She shook her head.

"No, that's not it."

"What?"

"This is something else. Something's up. It's about this wedding, isn't it?" 

Monica's eyes widened, "No! Rachel, I am _so_ happy for you, truly."

"You've never been good at lying to me, Mon."

Monica's entire body stiffened. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to react. What was Rachel talking about? Did she know? Was she aware of her feelings? Suddenly Monica wanted to disappear and make herself non-existent. Anything was better then sitting there — god she regretted that decision now. Rachel would expose Monica's feelings and they'd never speak to each other again.

"Wh - why wouldn't I be happy for you?" Monica asked incredulously, "You married my brother, you deserve each other!"

"I don't know," Rachel shrugged, "I suppose for a moment I thought that you wanted me to marry someone else or something."

Relief washed over Monica as she realized that Rachel had no idea about her feelings for her. She pressed a quick kiss on Rachel's shoulder, careful not to smudge any lipstick on her skin.

"Hey, I love you," she started, knowing that Rachel had no idea just how much, "I would never want you to be unhappy. Not ever."

Rachel turned so that her and Monica's faces were nearly pressed together. Monica swallowed. They were as close as they had been on a night six months back when they both had been tipsy, Rachel perhaps more than Monica, and they ended up cuddling on the couch together. Monica had brushed Rachel's hair away from her face, and the moment was magic. They hadn't kissed, but Monica had kept that memory in her heart ever since. 

"I love you too," Rachel breathed softly, "I'm sorry for doubting you."

"It's fine. Now get your butt up from this swing, I bet your husband is looking for you." Monica smirked. Rachel's face lit up and she hopped up from the swing.

"I'd better go find him," she said, "Are you coming?"

Monica shook her head, "You go. I'll be right there. Oh, and save a dance for me."

Rachel smiled, "Always."

She began to head inside. Monica watched her go with a broken heart and stars in her eyes. They could never have what Carol and Susan shared, but she felt like she might someday be okay with that. 

 

* * *

  

  _Cause she smells like lemongrass and sleep_  
_She tastes like apple juice and peach_  
_You would find her in a Polaroid picture_  
_And she means everything to me_  
_Yes, she means everything to me_  
_She means everything to me_

 

 


End file.
